Firefighters extinguish a roadside wildfire in Goleta, California on Oct. 12. | AP Photos

You’ve had decades to clean up the cesspool you’ve made of my once pristine planet. Such a shame. Nice try with windmills, the solar panels, the electric cars, the bans on plastic straws and such.

How dense are you people? Can’t you take a hint from me, Mother Nature?

Because of you, fires are burning out of control, hurricanes have increased in severity, more of my precious wildlife are endangered or extinct, you’re experiencing record-breaking temperatures everywhere, you’re poisoning my fish, and my ice caps are melting so fast that some of your cities will soon be under water. Not to mention that my poor polar bears are wandering around, trying to figure out where to live.

And now you’ve got a plague, thanks to yours truly. Viruses are easy for me, what with the variants and all. Remember 1918?

I hope you don’t think the coronavirus is going away anytime soon. Mutation is why you’re here. And you’ve been very helpful in prolonging it by producing a new phenomenon — anti-vaxxers. Well done. Herd immunity? Maybe for cows and sheep but not for you. LOL. And my goodness, most of you idiots still don’t get it. I, Mother Nature, made the virus.

You’ve had decades to clean up the cesspool you’ve made of my once pristine planet. Such a shame. Nice try with windmills, the solar panels, the electric cars, the bans on plastic straws and such. Composting? That one’s pretty amusing. But sorry folks, it’s just too little too late.

And forget about going to Mars. Do you honestly think I’m going to let you destroy another planet? Hell, I’m surprised you haven’t built casinos on the moon yet.

Frankly, I feel that you just don’t respect me enough, that preserving my creations is just too … inconvenient for you, that you’d rather make oodles of money and leave the clean-up to the next generation. By the way, why do you need so much money?

And don’t make excuses — it’s not about flatulent cows. There have always been flatulent cows and everything was fine. It’s about oil and greed and you know it. If you really think the methane produced from flatulent cows are the problem, spray the fields with a digestive enzyme.

You know what’s interesting? During the pandemic lockdowns, there were clearer skies again in Beijing and Los Angeles. Some of my oceans were starting to look like … well … oceans again. Turtles could lay their eggs in peace on the beaches again.

And can you guess why all this great stuff was happening? Because you humans weren’t going outside for a while.

I suppose I could have done something else to wake you Earthlings up, something really spectacular. I put together a pretty amazing flood for Noah but you have nuclear submarines now. Before you know it, Manhattan will look worse than Venice, the one in Italy. Will that grab your attention? I’m guessing no.

Of course, I could do an asteroid. They’re really spectacular and very effective. Got rid of the dinosaurs in no time. By the way, it was a big mistake making the dinosaurs. I thought bigger would be better than smarter. But smarter hasn’t exactly been a roaring success either. At least the dinosaurs didn’t litter the beach with soda cans and plastic bottles. But, at the end of the day, they were kind of boring.

But in spite of everything, I kind of like you Earthlings. Most of you anyway. You’ve done some amazing things with the raw materials I made for you. I had no clue you could construct skyscrapers or spaceships or the Mona Lisa. And most of you have your hearts in the right place.

It’s the climate change deniers I don’t understand. If your house is floating in the bay because of a hurricane in the middle of a drought while an apocalyptic typhoon is headed your way and it happens every year but it didn’t used to, don’t you think there just might be something wrong with the climate?

John Blumenthal, an author and former magazine editor, has also written for Salon and Huffington Post.

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